The Ten Tasks of Abarai Renji
by JeanThine
Summary: Read the title! Or the story, whatever. K because of Renji's pick-up line.


Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach

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"Abarai Renji"

"Yes Yamamoto-soutaicho"

"You recently applied for promotion to the rank of captain…"

"…yes…"

"…and as a result you sat the captaincy test…"

"…yes…"

"…which you failed."

"What?!" The red head was suddenly very surprised. This wasn't a meeting he was enjoying.

"Yes, the worst result ever recorded on the test. Sasakibe even joked he knew better suited academy students." The poor fukutaicho of the sixth division was going to burst into tears

"But desperate times call for desperate measures. You have accomplished Ban Kai and we're down three captains. I am willing to promote you if you get the approval of all the remaining captains. Their approval must be earned by a task, completely up to their discretion. Am I understood?"

"Yes soutaicho" Now grateful, the man almost smiled. How hard can ten tasks be?

THE TEN TASKS OF ABARAI RENJI

&

Task 1:Yamamoto Genryuusai Shigekuni

The old man stared at him, eyes boring into his soul with distaste. The spiritual pressure was crushing. He felt like he was going to die. He couldn't breathe.

Renji's first task had begun, look the commander in the eyes.

He was starting to think he wasn't cut out to be a captain.

That spiritual pressure, it was consuming everything in the room. It smelt, old, surprisingly enough, like when you open a box full of your dead grandma's quilts that nobody's touched in forever. Multiplied by six billion percent.

He was going to die, he knew it. The pressure was just too great. His hand subconsciously fell to the hilt of Zabimaru. He drew the sword and held it in his hand, just to feel more secure.

Eyes locked, a desperate struggle, never ending, it was going to be a staring contest till judgement day, he was never going to leave, he was…

"You can go now"

…oh… well then. The pressure was gone.

Outside, Kuchiki Byakuya was waiting for his subordinate.

"So how'd it go?" He asked as smarmy about the whole thing as he could possibly be.

"I passed, but taicho…"

"mm?"

"I'm going to need to get a change of uniform before we see Soi Fong-taicho"

&

Task 2: Soi Fong aka Fong Shaolin

Crash. Bam. Small explosion followed by thunderous kick to the abdomen.

Abarai Renji fell to the ground, in great pain. Soi Fong landed lithely nearby and delivered yet another thunderous kick, this time to her victims head.

"Does this mean you're not going to give your approval because I can't last in a fight?"

"Nah, I just wanted to beat the living crap out of you. Been under a lot of pressure later, you understand?"

"So you're approving me?"

"Yeh, we need more captains. You'll do for the time being"

"Gee, thanks. Say, do you think you could take the butterfly mark off my ass?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because it symbolises that you're mine and I own you."

Byakuya's grin was not helping. He was just so unbelievably happy with how this day was turning out for him. He was going to get rid of Renji, at the same time as pointing out he's the worst captain ever and all the suffering that he was getting to see now. Pity the day was over. Unohana had called in advance, he was to arrive at the fourth division first thing in the morning.

&

Task 3: Unohana Retsu

"Renji, it seems fitting punishment, that since you were once a member of the eleventh division, you must serve one full day in the fourth division."

And so he did. Renji spent one day running around the hospital ward, up to his elbows in blood, spiritual energy at zero, ready to blast the head off the next man who picks a fight. That was his day. Pain is the best way to describe though pain doesn't quite cover the crippling emotional trauma brought on by all this. And the long term effects of course.

Like that night, at the tavern, with some of the guys from the eleventh. He punched Ikkaku out with one hit for bad mouthing the fourth division.

Task 4: Kuchiki Byakuya

"Ahem Abarai-kun. I have decided that since you are now about to become a captain, it is now appropriate for you to ask Rukia out on a date." The noble was incredibly unhappy with this state of affairs.

"That's right" whispered the voice in his ear. "Just force him to ask me out and nobody needs to know about that stack of Naruto manga under Hisana's picture."

"Um… taicho, are you sure you're feeling all right?" Renji was concerned at this sudden development.

"Yes, I am fine. But the restaurant must be very expensive. Buy her flowers. If you can't afford them then maybe you shouldn't bother with the date at all…" Sounding more normal now.

Renji's cell phone rang. He answered it despite his captain's presence.

"Hey Rukia… yeh he's right in front of me… wait, what did you say? Something about manga."

"DO YOU WANT TO GET PROMOTED OR NOT?!" Byakuya was on his feet panting.

"Taicho?"

"What?"

"Naruto?"

Glaring eyes "You will die for this. Ban Ka…"

"Oh I think not. In fact, you're going to sign the approval letter right now, and we'll pretend nothing ever happened today, right"

The noble sat down, dejected.

"Pass me the damn pen"

&

Task Five: Komamura Sajin

"No captain, I won't do it, this is degrading." Renji said in a whiny voice.

"Come on, do it. You want the promotion don't you?"

"But captain, I really think this isn't a good image, what if someone sees?"

"No one will see, now come on do it." More insistent this time

"Fine" Renji could see he wasn't going to win this one. He hurled the rubber chew toy as far as he could throw it and watched one of the thirteen most powerful Shinigami go bounding after it on all fours.

&

Task Six: Kyoraku Shunsui

"Come on, you know you can do it."

Yet again Renji found himself conned into a morally dubious act.

"I find this most improper, Kyoraku-taicho. You actually expect him to succeed with such a corny line?"

"But Nanao-chan, that's half the fun. And besides look at him, he's young, virile, talented. And she's extremely drunk."

"I don't think any amount of alcohol would make _that_ attractive. And how is this proof he'll be a good captain?"

"A good captain must have good relations with his subordinates, if he can get along with the women then he's halfway there."

"That logic is so messed up I think I'm going to be sick."

"Um, Kyoraku-taicho?" Renji was back.

"How'd it go?" said the least shaven captain, apart from Komamura.

"Yes, do tell us of your arduous task Renji." A sarcastic lieutenant's voice

"I got her name, a key to a hotel room and her underwear."

&

Task Seven: Hitsugaya Toshirou

"Frankly Renji, I'm fine with you becoming a captain, I saw you fight in Karakura, you'll make a fine addition to the ranks of the captains. But I do have one demand before I sign your approval."

Gulp. Here it comes. What could the youngest captain want from him?

"Give back my lieutenant's underwear."

&

Task Eight: Zaraki Kenpachi

Oh dear Gods no. Kenpachi was going to ask for a fight for certain. No question about it, the man lived for nothing other than fighting and a potential captain is too tempting, he was going to get pulverised, again. His ass still hurt from the damn butterfly mark.

"Renji, I'll give ya the approval, but I need you to take care of Yachiru for the night."

Wait, what?

"I'm going down to the, um, tavern to get wasted. Yes, wasted in a manly fashion."

"But you always used to take Yachiru with you when I was in the eleventh."

"Well, there's a point where you have to say enough. So yes, manly business. Not at all going to the fourth division. Nope, completely fourth division free night."

He then turned and walked away in the direction of Unohana's chambers, the opposite direction from the tavern. Renji thought it was wise not to point this out to Kenpachi.

The night was uneventful, in the way that a war is uneventful. It all began when a flying, pink topped ball of energy and cuteness attached itself to his head. During her explanations of how fun the night was going to be, she mentioned that a certain Byakushi had given her much more candy than usual, as if he wanted her to be full of energy for some reason.

Kuchiki Byakuya heard the screams from his estate and was most pleased.

&

Task Nine: Kurotsuchi Mayuri

All in all, Renji had been expecting worse. He had been expecting a torture dungeon, lots of pain, being disected, biopsy, autopsy it's all the same. He was pretty sure this was a better solution, maybe. See, the crazed scientist had been barricaded in his lab for the last week or so. There had been a large protest against him lately. Not about any deed just general Mayuri-bashing. Mayuri was content to stay in the lab, but he needed to go check on Nemu, back at his quarters. If left alone she gets into the sugar and then all hell breaks loose.

So the plan was: Renji was dressed up as captain of the twelfth division, mask, headpiece, ear cones, the works and then he was thrown out to the protesters as a decoy while the real Mayuri made good his escape.

For non-violent protesters they certainly got violent. Like, really gory type violent. If you were to ask Renji about it he would go into the fetal position type violence. Not pleasant

&

Task Ten: Ukitake Jyuushiro

"Come on, do it." Insistent

"Kyoraku-taicho, you already had your turn!" Renji trying to worm his way out of doing this a second time.

"But Jyuu-chan didn't get to see it! You have to do it again for him!"

"But taicho, it's Ukitake-taichos choice what task I have to perform"

"Just go along with it." Ukitake said resigned. Well psuedo-resigned. He had a bet with Shunsui that the line wouldn't work a second time.

Renji finally agreed to it and begrudgingly walked over to the single female at the bar.

"There is no way that line is going to work Shunsui"

"Worked last time."

"For the sake of the argument, what is the exact wording of the pick-up line?"

_Over at the bar_

"Hey, listen, I'm Abarai Renji, vice-captain of the sixth division. I've got something in my hakama that's pointy, hard and extends to about half a mile in length..."

A/N: Alls well that ends well. I was thinking of doing a Madarame Ikkaku one and even a Kurosaki Ichigo one, but I'm not quite sure how to do that.

If you intend to review, please put down relevant, constuctive criticism. I'm really sick of people leaving one line reviews that tell me nothing. I'm here to improve, I'm not perfect.

All requests for a continuation must put down one task for the character suggested. Or else I'll just ignore them

Thanks for reading,

-JeanThine


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